A few years ago while tidying up the garage, my husband tossed out an old pair of sandals I had hung onto for years. He swears he thought they were intended for the trash but I know he hated the sight of them. At the time I was incensed but when I recall it now, there is no emotional attachment to the incident. I was angry that day but carried no resentment. I've heard people use the words interchangeably but resentment is clandestinely more powerful than anger - it pays out much more in residuals. The word "resentment" stems from the French verb "resentir" literally meaning "to feel again". Anger is the premiere, resentment is the re-run.
I've been re-running a particular episode for the past 8 months. Someone going through a difficult time chose to relieve some of the pressure by displacing their anger on me rather than confront the cause of their situation. And while I understand that (been there, done that), I was still deeply hurt. I had just lost my mother and their inconsiderate timing further fueled my rage. Its not that I haven't been able to forgive, I haven't wanted to forgive. Self-righteous anger can be a comfy bed for a hurting soul.
So imagine my surprise when I sat in Church today minding my own business (paying no attention to the scripture reading), when out of the blue, the thought entered my mind to forgive this person. I needed to because my God has instructed me to. Forgiveness can't wait for me to feel it, I must choose it. And I did. Just like that. By the grace of God, the bleeding stopped.
A wise woman once told me that people find it difficult to forgive because they think it must involve forgetting. She pointed out that forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. Forgiveness is a choice to let go of my "right to be angry", to no longer wish that the other person could feel the pain they inflicted, to let go of my expectation that they will make it right so I can move on. In fact, in the French language, to relinquish (or leave behind) is synonymous with forgiveness. Only I can relinquish what I'm holding onto.
Reconciliation involves cooperation - it requires both parties to communicate openly about what occured, to take responsibility, to resolve the hurt and rebuild the trust. Reconciliation requires a degree of introspection, soundness of mind and courage. That is why its difficult and sometimes not safe to reconcile with those who are mentally, emotionally or spiritually ill.
So sitting in that church, my next thought went to "How will I have a relationship with this person now? What will it look like? Can it ever be the same?" and since I had no answers, I decided to hand those questions to God and trust the answers will come in His time. Just as clearly as the message He placed on my heart today to forgive and let healing begin.
I've also been on the other side - healed when I received forgiveness. Years ago after hitting an emotional bottom, I sat down to examine my broken relationships. I realized that my motives, while often dressed in good intentions, were frequently based in fear and out of that self-absorption, I hurt others. I would hide behind "good intentions" to justify my behavior when people were angry with me, bewildered that another relationship went sour. Despite my best attempts at rationalizing that the fault lay elsewhere, those experiences sat in my gut; after awhile leading to self-loathing, a soul-sickness of its own, resulting in more fear and self-centeredness. Until that day, I was blind to the cycle of destruction I lived in. The grace of God, and His grace alone, enabled me to start changing my behavior.
So who am I not to forgive? It is a no-brainer to see that this other person is struggling with their own soul-sickness. Happy, healthy, whole people don't behave that way. And if I keep airing the re-runs of that episode, I have little chance of being happy, healthy and whole myself. Time to change the channel.
No comments:
Post a Comment